I find it so easy to blame myself.
In fact sometimes I will search for ways in which to.
The other morning I lay in a meditation that was more like prayer, or a prayer that felt like meditation, and it was made clear to me that it was time to start acknowledging when someone does wrong by me.
Years and years ago, I was with a man who I now recognize as emotionally abusive and physically threatening towards me.
I once stood up for myself and called him a name.
He shouted at me so ferociously that I knelt in the corner of the room shielding my body with my hands.
This kind of incident happened so few and far between that I could almost deny to myself that they happened at all.
I saw the best in him, whilst believing the worst about myself.
Fast forward to now, and I still have a hard time truly understanding when someone is treating me badly or has wronged me.
I am not quite sure where this cognitive dissonance has its origins, though I suspect in childhood like most things.
Understanding that people who claim to love you (or who in actual fact do love you as best they can) can do things that are awful – is a hard lesson indeed.
Now, simply acknowledging that someone I love or care about has done something to upset me, is a valuable first step.
Next I try to stop myself from stepping in and trying to make it better.
Then I have to look after myself.
Finally if a person tries to make amends I have to decide if it is worth accepting. If it is healthy for me to accept, if it is safe.
Acknowledging that someone has treated you badly can make you feel powerless.
But it is only after really feeling that, you understand that power lies in being able to make better choices for yourself.
Much love Txx