Last year, I slowly withdrew into myself until I actually ended up off work for 2 months, mostly in bed.
I didn’t like being outside during that time, I had no energy to face the world, and being out in it when I had to get groceries, go to appointments or even a little socializing, just didn’t feel right.
It felt like a slow descent of energy, a slow descent of mood, a slow descent of strength.
I actually found out that a lot of this was down to my body being deficient in iron, so low it had affected my immune system and resulted in debilitating fatigue and an abundance of low level infections.
Some of this – was also down to heartbreak.
A man who I had grown to love as a friend and more, left my life.
I dealt with it with anger. For the first time in my adult life I allowed myself to be truly angry at someone.
Unfortunately for him, that meant he also received the energetic brunt of the anger I had been holding deep inside of my body from other men who had hurt me, including my father.
The experience laid bare all of my deepest wounds, wounds that had healed haphazardly like the few keloid scars I have across my body.
But it was a welcome chance to really lay a true foundation for my life, and this is what I want to talk about in this post.
Though I felt as though I was doing well in life, reaching all of the markers of being a ‘grown up’ that were important to me, all of it was built on shaky ground.
Though I had been doing deep work on myself for as long as I can remember, I had a blind spot.
Last Summer I started seeing a therapist to help me with this blind spot – why did it feel like the people I loved the most always left me?
Unsurprisingly we eventually delved into discussion of the first person to leave me, my father, by means of divorcing my mum and then death.
These are not unusual events, these things and worse happen to many of us, but what I had not realized was that in order to truly lay a good foundation for my life, a foundation that would sustain me for the rest of it, I had to look at and heal these wounds once and for all.
So I began this work last year and I will continue it maybe for the rest of my life.
It is also about looking at the gifts that my wounds have given me. My vulnerability, my wisdom, my reluctance to take much for granted, my ability to fight for those I really care about.
So here I am, building blocks, not just in my outer world, but within.
Much love Txx.