Lockdown has taught me so much.
Though I have been engaged in soul searching for years, this time of restricted socialising, being away from my work environment and my normal routine, has changed me a lot.
I used to reach outside of myself for many things.
For validation, for understanding.
Now I have been pushed to reach deeper within, and inside I have found a well of wisdom that I can access more easily than ever before.
I have learnt that I can hold grudges, even when the last thing I want is a divide.
I have learnt that some people I used to love were truly not good for me – ever.
I’ve learnt how much I have been an ‘object’ to others, something they saw as an extension of themselves.
I’ve learnt I too can use others simply to avoid hitting rock bottom.
I’ve learnt how to enjoy the light hitting a lampshade on an evening.
I’ve learnt to truly value those that are loyal.
I’ve learnt how to forgive.
These things that I have learnt have not been particularly easy lessons, and they have been in the works for a long time.
Perhaps the biggest thing I have learnt is how to live with distance between me and those I care about the most.
Before Lockdown, I was struggling with the loss of someone who had chosen to step out of my life. (exit stage left! lol)
The distance I felt between us led me to veer between anger and deep sadness.
Lockdown taught me to live with the in-between, to live with the distance and be neutral with it.
To observe the distance, the feel of it, the touch of it, the smell of it.
To hold the feelings, to let the feelings out.
To release the tension, to let the tension be.
So much I have learnt.
I realise I couldn’t have learnt it any other way.
Much love Txx