Welcome 🙂 Welcome to all those returning, and to those here for the first time.
Welcome to all who have recently started following –
I appreciate all of you.
I am feeling reflective today and thought I would update you on me, how I am doing, what is going on in my world.
The blog has been more readings focused lately, and I missed having a chat with you all so here I am.
Its June 2022 – about 1.5 years since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and a little over a year since I successfully completed active treatment.
I am now navigating long-term hormone therapy to lower the risk of recurrence, and have just started about my third ‘return to work’. Though I have been back at work pretty solidly since last September, the majority of that has been from home. I am now slowly returning to the building.
(The hormone therapy journey has been intense! I had a pulmonary embolism caused at least in part by one, and gyno issues since starting another – plus entering a temporary chemical menopause!)
I have to say though, that for the first time in a long time I feel great!
I feel really good.
I feel really centered in my life and in my body.
Before now – I spent pretty much every morning of my life waking up and feeling a little ungrounded. Not fully comfortable in my earthly embodiment, not fully comfortable in my surroundings.
I realise that I feel so much more solid since the pandemic, and since the diagnosis.
By solid I mean fully in my body.
What do I mean?
Lately I have become a little bit fascinated with the term ‘disassociation’.
The charity ‘Mind’ describes it as:
“Many people may experience dissociation (dissociate) during their life.
If you dissociate, you may feel disconnected from yourself and the world around you. For example, you may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal. Remember, everyone’s experience of dissociation is different.
Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.
Experiences of dissociation can last for a relatively short time (hours or days) or for much longer (weeks or months).
If you dissociate for a long time, especially when you are young, you may develop a dissociative disorder. Instead of dissociation being something you experience for a short time it becomes a far more common experience, and is often the main way you deal with stressful experiences.”https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/
Instead of disassociating during the trauma of diagnosis and treatment – I found myself doing the exact opposite – coming out of what I would probably describe as life-long chronic mild disassociation.
I suppose we could also call it ‘auto pilot’. Though this does not feel quite right for me.
I felt like I lived in my head and in my spirit body, more than I lived in reality.
This was worse as a child when I faced bullying – I escaped by reading a book and developing my psychic awareness – if only in my head!
Though as I grew up, leaving the bullies behind and embracing new found popularity and freedom at University – I still never felt quite here.
In my twenties I partied like everyone else. Built up my career. Dated, all whilst having many moments of detachment and disconnection.
By the time I hit my thirties I was beginning to find it harder to float out of my life and into my head.
I was being called to become fully integrated. To marry my spiritual life with my physical life.
Now – lets be clear – I think I was born with one foot very clearly in the spirit world and one foot out – but childhood traumas had me always trying to hot foot it completely spirit side!
I realised what was going on by working with a therapist for a couple of years.
With her help, I learnt how to show up in this world as a fully whole spirit being, having a fully whole human experience.
That was when Cancer showed up!
It was one thing to know I was meant to live fully in the present, it was another to have my body wrench it back there with discomfit.
I know a lot of people will disassociate when faced with illness, but for me it was the other way round.
Anyway – now. I feel really and truly here.
I am Toni-Ann – psychic medium, librarian, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, avid watcher of Netflix.
Much love Txx